It’s been almost a year since my last blog post — woops.
The last year has been hard. Really hard. My chronic hives flared up in late January and didn’t get resolved until May. That was months of pain, discomfort, and hopelessness. A chronic illness really takes it out of you.
Not to mention, other things in my home life were…not going so great, let’s say that. I dealt with it by eating…. a lot. A lot a lot.
It all came to a head in mid-March and I decided I needed to change my life. In May, I finally called it quits with keto after months of carb bingeing, getting back into keto for 4 -5 days, carb bingeing, getting back into keto….etc. It wasn’t healthy, physically or mentally.
In August, I left my job and moved to Texas to live with my boyfriend, Justin, whom I’ve been with since 2015. And it was scary! And hard! And a lot of adulting stuff.
Since then, I’ve been settling in and looking for work (ahhhhhhhh, the most soul-sucking of activities) and gettin used to life here.
For a while, I didn’t notice the difference between normal stress and depression-stress. I figured it was supposed to be this hard — moving, changing your life, all that stuff. But eventually I figured it out: my meds weren’t working the way they needed to anymore. I’ve been on antidepressants for many years. I don’t like to talk about it because of course, the dumb stigma surrounding it, and having had ‘friends’ throw it in my face in the past (they are not friends. Anyone who uses your mental health against you is not a friend and you need to cut them out of your life). But that’s the truth. I need medication to make my brain work like a normal brain.
As other people on psychoactive medication know, the process of finding a new medication is long and hard. I’ve been tapering off my main antidepressant (viibryd, for those who have asked) since December. Today is the first day of trying a new one (effexor) and I’m hopeful but cautious. Side effects can be rough. It can take weeks to months to know if it’s working. But I’m trying.
While tapering, my anxiety went through the roof. I’d somehow taken viibryd for nearly 4 years without knowing it was also an anti-anxiety 🙃 I really just thought I’d *gotten over* being anxious. L M A O O O O O O GIRL. I did not.
And then came the apathy. Just…. a flat, gray, uncaring about anything. Eating too much? I don’t care. Skipping the gym? Don’t care. Staying in bed all day? Don’t care. Neglecting instagram, isolating from my friends? Don’t care.
It may be a hard slog for the….well, the foreseeable future, to be honest. I don’t know if this med will work for me. I don’t know when I’ll know. But I am so. tired. of my own crap at this point that I’m gritting my teeth and doing things again.
I turned my step notifications back on on my fitbit. I’m going to actually try to hit my step goal more than never. I’m going to eat in a deficit, even if it’s just a small one. I’m going to go to the gym.
So that’s that! That’s my life right now! Mental health is hard and bad mental health makes lots of things very hard, and that’s just reality! It’s 1:30 PM and I’m still in my pajamas but I *have* left the apartment today, and I *will* go to the gym later. I’m trying.
And I’ll try to write on here…………. again…….. ?? with much less of a gap in between posts.